My Rant

Lately I realized that I do not like the Washington Nationals. At all. I want to like them, and at first I really did: I was thrilled Les Expos were leaving Montreal, I thought DC was a great place to move to (for no other reason that to piss off Peter Angelos), I has happy RFK stadium would be used, and I liked the new name and uniforms. But they've gone nowhere but downhill in terms of likeability. Their first major acquisition was Jose Guillen. That's enough to dislike them, really. But they also started throwing money around indiscriminately, signing Cristian Guzman for like a bajillion dollars (Canadian; in U.S. dollars that's $4.2M/year), which was a little steep for someone with a .500 OPS. [Which makes him a very strong contender for Worst Player in Baseball. You think Bellhorn was bad? Guzman's career OPS is lower than Bellhorn's 2005 OPS.] Then they started winning...and things got worse. First off, people started talking about a Baltimore-Washington World Series. In May. Which was annoying. For a whole bunch of reasons. But more than that, they had no reason to be winning. They've done more than just outperform their Pythagorean (by 7 games now, but it used to be higher); they have been well above .500 despite giving up more runs than they've scored. Now, one serious bright spot is their amazing 23-year old, league-minimum closer, Chad Cordero (33 saves, 1.07 ERA, 0.97 WHIP), but he's already appeared in 49 games and his arm might fall off from overuse. Nonetheless, since they're winning, the sports media won't shut up talking about what a great manager Frank Robinson is. And then of course there's the fact that going to Nats games has become a big photo-op for politicians. So anyway, now that they're struggling (losing 8 of the last 10), I'm thrilled.

The reason I bring this all up now is because of this Washington Post article. I don't even know where to begin. You see, apparently "old-timer" National fans are starting to grouse about all the "bandwagoners". Seriously.

When the bandwagoners first showed up -- yapping on their cell phones, getting up for snacks during crucial at-bats and leaving two innings early to beat the traffic-- the old-timers among Washington Nationals fans tried to accept them.

Okay, the reporter's definitely writing this tongue-in-cheek, so it's a joke, right? "Die-hard Nats fans" don't really feel that way, right? Um, no, apparently they do...

"For those of us who have been there since the beginning, we know that sort of magical feeling -- how much energy the team draws from the crowd," said Colin Mills, president of the Nationals fan club.

After the invasion of newcomers, he said, "That magic just wasn't there in the same way."

And according to to those who've been around since the beginning, living and dying with the Nats for almost four whole months, these newcomers -- these Johnny-come-really-really-latelys -- sound terrible.

Dave Lanham, a regular at Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium, recalled a game when two men sitting near him spent inning after inning discussing a legal case. They couldn't keep track of what was happening on the field. One man asked, " 'How did Carroll get on base?' " said Lanham, referring to Nationals infielder Jamey Carroll. "I'm like, 'He walked!' " Lanham said.

Okay, first off, this Lanham guy is really bad at telling stories. Secondly, while talking law at a baseball game is not cool, he's pissed because they missed one play? What a bunch of boorish ingrates. Man, I used to consider myself a reasonably good, informed baseball fan, but apparently I'm actually a bandwagoner, because I've occasionally missed a play or two, while talking, or buying beer or food, or going to the bathroom. Not to mention those times I've showed up to the park so drunk that I forgot...um, never mind.

Anyway, my point is...no wait, I don't have a point. Turning back to the article, it then describes the travails of Hugh B. Kaufman, an administrator with the Environmental Protection Agency, who has seen his share of joy and heartache following the Nats through thick and thin. He could "feel bad vibes in the air at Monday's game against the Colorado Rockies". And then

The team lost that game, 5-4, after third baseman Vinny Castilla committed an error in the ninth inning. That did it. The next morning, Kaufman aired his concerns on fan message boards, asking others whether they had seen a " 'Bad' Element Starting to Come to RFK Nats Games?"

Others on the Internet boards agreed that they had felt something strange; The crowd was "flat," "lame," "out of sync."

As you all know, I'm a stud, so I know nothing about being "flat, lame, and out of sync", but it's quite clear to me that the crowd being all those things is what caused Castilla's error. Kaufman felt he had to do something about it. And so, naturally,

"I have to find a rubber chicken," he told himself.

Before Tuesday's game, he beheaded the chicken in a brief ceremony, then presented the decapitated bird to a pair of nearby Nationals players.

That "boom" sound you just heard was my head exploding. As I now have no head, I am unable to comment on this article further. Thanks for reading.