Friday, April 15, 2011

Why Joe Thornton Sucks. And always will

So a buddy of mine out here asked my why I can't stand Big Joe. This is about as good as I could come up with. And it still feels like I'm missing something.

Imagine you see this girl every day and she is smoking hot. But you have to get laughed at every day for a year (have the worst record) to get a chance to go out with her. And finally you do. The first date (season) goes okay, you act like a gentleman and don’t want to rush things. The second date is starting to look really good, there is some promise you make out a bit and get to second base (second round). The third and fourth dates go okay. They aren’t great, but they aren’t terrible. You don’t go home with her, but you think there is enough progress being made. She laughs at your jokes (scores a lot), she teases you with her physique, but there is definitely a little alloofness there. By the fifth date you are confident. The starts are aligning. You have a great date (number one seed), she is wearing a smoking outfit (100 points) . You finally get her naked and she says, not tonight, it just doesn’t feel right (first round exit). You have another date. You’re starting to worry. Same crap. Then what would be your last date. Again, showing hope. Again she’s smoking (another high seed). You get her home. You get her naked. You’re bangin her but she just lies there. She even asks if you’re done yet. So that’s it. You know it will never be. You break up with her.

But in the end, you do have a bit of the last laugh. As she dates someone new, yes she still looks hot. In fact in the first year after you break up she wins a beauty contest (mvp), but you still get to laugh cause you know they are only going to second base. And she just lays there.

Feel free to discuss.


  1. Thornton is the king of the regular season.

    I will say, though, that if McLaren didn't get suspended for that hit on Zednik, that Jumbo Joe would have brought the trophy to Boston. Murray, Rolston, Axelson, Stumpel, Samsonov, Thornton, McLaren, DaFoe, Knuble, LaPointe...How didn't they win!!!???? Notice that I only have one defensive player listed here? That's why. Their core was O'Donnell, McLaren, Sweeney, Boynton, others...Take McLaren out after the suspension and you are ultra-thin on defense.

    Seems like Joe is always on teams like this. I mean, they lost 4-0 last night. 4 goals in 19 shots by the Kings...Not good.

    As far as San Jose. I was going to say that they are my pick for the West. Until Detroit decided that, once again, they are the best team and will breeze to another cup.

    MY prediction...
    Wings vs. Capitals

    Wings in 6.

  2. I can't really add anything, except for the fact that I really know how the Bruins feel today.

    "Owned" by a Montrealer :-)

  3. I wouldn't be so quick to write off the Canucks. Even if he can't spell, that Luongo guy is a hell of a goalie. And those Sedin twins are pretty good.

    Det - Van will be a great series if it comes to that.

    Having lived here now for the entire Joe era and seeing the rest of the pussies they run out there - everyone but Dan Boyle and maybe, sometimes, but not always Heatley - SJ will always be a disappointment.

    I think that 2002 B's team just had the double bad luck to run into an 8 seed that really was better than an 8 seed. Koivu missed the whole regular season w cancer. And Theodore just caught fire after the Olympics that year. Tough break for B's.

    So for Patriot's day - Lets go Dice-BB!!!!